I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
