ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
