she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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