Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize