I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
