Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
