I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
