I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
