I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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