He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
