This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
