You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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