Please, let me fuck your mom
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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