you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Randomize
