i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
