woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
