Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
