eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
