You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
