Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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