Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
