Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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