i wish peter jackson would direct porn
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
