I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
