Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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