how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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