your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
