You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
