This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
