My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
