Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
