I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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