i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
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