Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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