My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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