i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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