I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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