My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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