I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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