I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
