I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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