He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize