no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
