Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
