i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
