I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize