Pappa wants mamma naked
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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