the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
