Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
