I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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