I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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