so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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