GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Someone signed my nipple.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
