Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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