my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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